BART SIMPSON in
“NO SUCH THING AS A FREE COMIC”
SCRIPT, CHUCK DIXON
TERRY DELAGENE, WITH THE WORKS!
PANEL ONE-TITLE PANEL
Bart and Milhouse run toward us down a sidewalk. Both are smiling and each has a fistful of cash.
TITLE: BART SIMPSON in “NO SUCH THING AS A FREE COMIC”
BART: I LOVE IT WHEN HOMER FALLS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH ON PAYDAY!
MILHOUSE: AND I GOT FIVE BUCKS FROM MY DAD!
MILHOUSE: NOTHING PAYS OUT LIKE DIVORCE GUILT!
The pair run across the lot toward a Krustyburger franchise.
BART: NOW TO BLOW IT ON EMPTY CALORIES, MILHOUSE!
Bart and Milhouse at the counter. Bart wears his cool, officious expression. The pimply-faced teen is bored behind the counter. Comic Book Guy is in line behind them.
PIMPLY-FACED TEEN: HOW CAN KRUSTY PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE TODAY?
BART: TWO KRUSTYMEALS, MY GOOD MAN.
PIMPLY-FACE TEEN: COMING RIGHT UP.
Milhouse takes the tray with the boxed meals on them. Bart holds a copy of the Krusty give-away comic featured in this story. Comic Book Guy moves to the counter.
BART: WOW! A KRUSTY THE CLOWN COMIC WITH EACH MEAL!
MILHOUSE: A FREE COMIC BOOK AND FAST FOOD?
MILHOUSE: IF I’M DREAMING DON’T WAKE ME UP!
Comic Book Guy is at the counter and ordering.
COMIC BOOK GUY: A KRUSTYMEAL (WHICH I AM BUYING ONLY FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSES) AND A KRUSTY KRABWICH KOMBO AND MEGA DIET KRUSTY KOLA.
PIMPLY FACED TEEN: I’M OBLIGATED TO TELL YOU THAT WE’RE OUT OF PROMOTIONAL GIVEAWAYS.
Comic Book Guy is annoyed and leans on the counter> Pimply-faced teen recoils.
COMIC BOOK GUY: YOU MEAN NO FREE COMIC BOOK?
PIMPLY FACED TEEN: THOSE KIDS GOT THE LAST ONES.
A chubby shadow falls over Milhouse an Bart where they sit in a booth and look at their free comics as they eat.
OFF PANEL: (COMIC BOOK GUY) EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN?
BART: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Comic Book Guy at his most unctuous dangles fingers over Bart’s comic. Bart looks annoyed.
COMIC BOOK GUY: I WAS WONDERING IF I MIGHT INTEREST YOU IN SELLING THAT COMIC BOOK?
BART: GET YOUR OWN.
COMIC BOOK GUY: THAT HAPPENS TO BE THE LAST ONE.
Bart pulls his comic away from Comic Book Guy’s grasping fingers. Milhouse looks shocked by this exchange.
BART: THEN YOU’D BETTER GET YOUR FAT BUTT IN THE GEEKMOBILE.
BART: THERE’S A KRUSTY’S IN SHELBYVILLE.
COMIC BOOK GUY: YOU TOY WITH MY IRE, YOUNGLING.
Comic Book Guy storms away from their booth steaming. Bart and Milhouse both laugh.
COMIC BOOK GUY: LIKE FREDDY KRUEGER, I ALWAYS WIN IN THE END.
BART: MORE LIKE FREDDY BOOGER.
Bart is admiring the comic and Milhouse looks across the table at him earnestly.
BART: THIS IS THE FIRST COMIC KRUSTY HAS AUTHORIZED IN THIRTY YEARS.
MILHOUSE: THERE WAS ANOTHER COMIC?
BART: HE HAD A CONTRACT WITH MARVEL BUT IT FELL THROUGH.
Krusty stands in an office in a 70s style leisure suit and shakes a comic book at Stan Lee who sits behind the desk looking shocked in front of a poster of the Hulk. The Hulk is raging and holding the Liberty bell over his head. A logo on the poster reads: THE INCREDIBLE BI-CENTENNIAL! Stan’s younger a Fu-Manchu/Joe Namath mustache and wearing enormous eyeglasses.
KRUSTY: “STAN LEE PRESENTS”?
KRUSTY: NOBODY PRESENTS ME BUT ME, BUBBY!
Bart is leafing through the comic. Milhouse looks credulous.
BART: THEY PULPED ALL THE ISSUES OF THAT ONE.
MILHOUSE: MAYBE THAT COMIC IS WORTH SOMETHING, BART.
BART: YEAH, TO ME.
Bart holds the comic and looks at the cover with a smile.
BART: WHAT KIND OF KRUSTY FAN WOULD I BE IF I GAVE THIS BABY UP TO SOME COMIC BOOK HUSTLER?
The comic-within-a-comic begins here.
Bart’s hands hold the cover.
COVER OF THE KRUSTYBURGER COMIC
Cover art is Krusty in a pirate costume and he’s standing at a treasure chest he and Mr Teeny have dug up from a beach. They marvel at the open chest filled with cheeseburgers, fired chicken, fries and shakes. There’s a pirate ship at anchor in the lagoon behind them. Palm trees, the whole nine yards. All in a simple composition like an old Dell or Gold Key comic.
In circles down the side of the comic are circles with call-outs for Krusty’s mascots. All is drawn in a highly stylized commercial style. Any style so long as it varies from the standard Simpsons style.
TITLE: (in “wacky” lettering)
KOMIKS AND FUNBOOK!
In upper right hand corner is a burst caption:
(With the purchase of a Krustyburger Kombo)
KRUSTY: (BALLOON WITH EXTRA-THICK OUTLINE) NUTRITION AHOY, MR TEENY!
MR TEENY: EEP!
JOHNNY BUNS (hamburger bun with a generic kid’s face. He’s giving us a thumbs up.)
ALL-AMERICAN FRY (A stars and stripes themed French fry in a superhero costume. He‘s posed heroically)
PATTY CRISP (girl chicken nugget in pig-tails and long eye lashes. She winks at us)
ONION JACK (a feisty onion wearing an Australian bush hat)
The pages of the comic-within-a-comic. Some device should be used to give the readers a visual clue that they’re looking at the comic along with Bart. Something simple like a different bore or more ambitious like framing it the tabletop and Bart’s hands. This would allow a dribble of ketchup on a page or a grease smear on a corner. More work but maybe more fun, no?
Large, title panel.
Generic kids are playing softball on the cover on a sunny summer day. None of the kids of the Simpsons cast are here. This is a comic within their world not of it. A fat kid is running the bases. Krusty is the umpire and calls out angrily from home plate.
TITLE: KRUSTY THE CLOWN in “IT’S A BURGER EAT BURGER WORLD!”
KRUSTY: THAT FAT KID IS OUTTA HERE!
Krusty is lighting a cigarette as the kids stand and call out to him.
KID 1: BUT TOMMY WAS SAFE, KRUSTY!
KRUSTY: HE’S COUNTERING THE IMAGE!
KRUSTY: IT’S A COMIC FOR A FAST FOOD JOINT, GENIUS. WE DON’T NEED CHUBBY BLUNTING THE MESSAGE.
The fat kid runs away crying. Krusty gestures with this cigarette after the kid.
FAT KID: BAWL!
KRUSTY: HAVE A EXTRA-THICK KRUSTYLATA SHAKE TO CHEER YOU UP, PANTLOAD!
Krusty turns, annoyed, at voices behind him.
OFF PANEL: WHOA. CHILL OUT, KRUSTY DUDE!
KRUSTY: MORE TSORIS.
Large panel. Our three mascots arrive on the scene dramatically. Johnny Buns comes soaring in on a skateboard he’s leaped over the pitcher’s mound. All-American Fry comes in for a Superman-style landing holding Patty Crisp seated in the palm of his upheld hand. Krusty is shocked in the foreground witnessing this. His cigarette flies from his mouth.
KRUSTY: THE KRUSTY KIDS KOMMAND!
JOHNNY BUNS: WE GOT YOUR CALL, DUDE!
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: IS THERE SOME DANGER YOU NEED TO BE RESCUED FROM, KRUSTY?
PATTY CRISP: OR MAYBE YOU HAVE A JOKE TO SHARE?
ONION JACK: G‘DAY, MATE!
Krusty and the mascots walk (in Johnny’s case, roll) toward a Krustyburger franchise on an idyllic hill in a Teletubbies sort of environment.
KRUSTY: NONE OF THAT meshugas, PATTY.
KRUSTY: STEP INTO MY OFFICE, FOLKS.
Krusty is in his office and pointing to a graph chart with a spiking downward line. The three mascots are in silhouette in the extreme foreground.
KRUSTY: OUR PROFIT MARGINS ARE HEADING FOR TOILETVILLE.
KRUSTY: WE HAVE TO MAKE SOME CUTS AND I’M NOT TALKING SLICED GERKINS HERE.
Krusty’s finger points to one of the mascots. All three look shocked.
OFF PANEL: (KRUSTY) SO ONE OF YOU HAS TO GO!
THREE MASCOTS: GASP!
The mascots plead for their jobs but Krusty is unmoved with arms folded.
JOHNNY BUNS: YOU’RE PUTTING ONE OF US ON THE STREET?
PATTY CRISP: I JUST SIGNED THE LEASE ON A JAG!
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: I’VE GOT TATER TOTS AT HOME!
ONION JACK: THIS AIN’T FAIR DINKUM, MATE.
Krusty leans on the desk and regards them seriously.
KRUSTY: there’s one chance to save your job!
All: we’ll do anytHing!
ONION JACK: MATE.
Krusty in tight close-up.
KRUSTY: A NO-HOLDS-BARRED, FREE-FOR-ALL, EXTREME SPORTS TRI-ATHALON!
Krusty and Mr Teeny are in parkas and stand in snow atop a windswept mountaintop. Mr Teeny has a pistol in his hand. There’s a banner with STARTING LINE on it. The four mascots are on snowboards with parachute packs on their backs. They look determined.
CAPTION: WITHIN THE HOUR…
KRUSTY: IT’S A RACE TO THE BOTTOM AND THE WINNER KEEPS HIS PAYCHECK!
KRUSTY: DO THE HONORS, MR TEENY.
In a circular insert panel, Mr Teeny has raised the pistol beyond the panel border and fires it.
MR TEENY: YEEK!
The four mascots zip down an impossibly high slope.
Patty Crisp is in the lead and gloating.
PATTY CRISP: SEE YOU AT THE FINISH LINE---
PATTY CRISP: --BUT NOT ON THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE!
Onion jack points ahead in stunned surprise. Johnny Buns looks annoyed juts behind him.
ONION JACK: JINGOES!
ONION JACK: WE’RE JUMBUCKS FOR THE BARBIE, MATE!
JOHNNY: COULD YOU JUST ONCE SPEAK ENGLISH?
The four tear down the slope toward the lip of a precipice.
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: HE’S TALKING ABOUT THAT CLIFF!!
All four fall toward the green landscape far below.
ONION JACK: MATE.
Johnny Bun laughs as he pulls the ripcord on his chute’ pack. A chute unfurls from his pack.
JOHNNY BUNS: HA!
JOHNNY BUNS: YOU’RE ALL PSYCHED!
Onion Jack and Patty Crisp pull their ripcords. Johnny is already drifting earthward with his parachute open above him.
JOHNNY BUNS: IT’S JUST A BASE JUMP, DUDES!
ONION JACK: I’LL BE BONKERED!
PATTY CRISP: IS THAT SOMETHING DIRTY IN AUSTRALIAN?
All American Fry drops with hands at his side and a look of calm on his face. His cape is unfurled behind him.
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: NO PARACHUTES FOR ME!
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: ALL-AMERICAN FRY CAN--
A power line cuts All American Fry in half, much to his surprise.
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: (SMALL) --FLY?
He lies in two halves and shakes a fist at the other three smiling and coming in for a gentle landing.
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: I’VE BEEN JULIENNED!
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: WILL NO ONE HELP ME?
JOHNNY BUNS: YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE---
Johnny Buns holds his snowboard and skateboard wheels pop from the underside.
JOHNNY BUNS: --AMERICA’S ABOUT WINNING AT ALL COSTS!
JOHNNY BUNS: THAT’S HOW JOHNNY BUNS ROLLS!
The three roll between walls of flames that rise on either side of them.
ONION JACK: BLIMEY, MATE!
PATTY CRISP: FLAME BROILERS!
They come out the other side crisped and smoking.
PATTY CRISP: YOU ALL RIGHT, JOHNNY BUNS?
JOHNNY BUNS: JUST A LITTLE TOASTY!
All-American Fry lies on his skateboard in two halves and paddles from the flames with hands and feet.
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: YOU CAN’T BURN THIS FRY!
They are smacked by anthropomorphic spatulas with feet at the ends of their handles.
JOHNNY BUNS: THEY WON’T TURN US OVER---
ONION JACK: ---WE’RE NOT BLOOMIN’ DONE, MATE!
Mr Teeny wields a hose that leads to a tanks labeled MUSTARD. He sprays the mascots with it as they wheel by.
PATTY CRISP: YAAAH!
ALL-AMERICAN FRY: SPICY!
Wearily, Johnny Buns shuffles his board along with one foot. The others follow behind him, mustard-spattered, scarred and smoking.
JOHNNY BUNS: I SEE IT---I SEE IT---
JOHNNY: THE FINISH LINE!
The four contestants straggle to the finish line with their various injuries. Krusty waves a checkered flag.
KRUSTY: YOU ALL MADE IT!
They regard Krusty who laughs at them all. A chubby figure in silhouette comes up from behind Krusty.
JOHNNY BUNS: SO WHICH ONE OF US IS FIRED?
ONION JACK: WHO, MATE?
KRUSTY: ALL OF YOU!
Krusty stands with a smiling Lard Lad behind him. Lard Lad smiles a mean smile and jerks a thumb over his shoulder.
KRUSTY: KRUSTYBURGER HAS MERGED WITH LARD LAD DO-NUTS TO FORM A MEGA-CHAIN!
KRUSTY: THERE’S NO ROOM IN THE BUDGET FOR ANY OF YOU!
LARD LAD: HIT THE BRICKS, LOSERS!
The four mascots help one another limp away as Krusty and Lard Lad watch them go.
KRUSTY: AND BE OUT OF KRUSTYBURGERVILLE BY SUNDOWN!
Krusty and Lard Lad stand shaking hands. Lard Lad has an arm around Krusty’s shoulder. Both wear fixed smiles and Krusty looks askance at Lard Lad.
KRUSTY: TWO CORPORATE GIANTS UNITED FOR GREAT FOOD AND FAST SERVICE. RIGHT, PARTNER?
LARD LAD: LIMITED PARTNERS WITH LARDLADCO HOLDING THE MAJORITY STOCK POSITION.
KRUSTY: (SMALL) COULD YOU STOP REMINDING ME OF THAT?
END CAPTION: THE END!
PAGE ELEVEN CONT’D---
PAGE ELEVEN CONT’D---
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE
A coupon. Krusty is on one side and Lard Lad on the other.
FREE KRUSTYBURGER or SMALL KRUSTY KOLA
(no cheeseburgers) (or) (no refills)
Picture of a burger and soda.
Tiny print at the bottom of the coupon:
With purchase of a 20 piece Krustybucket or equivalent. Must be accompanied by an adult guardian.
Coupon expires at an unspecified date determined by the cashier. No drive-through orders. No returns.
Only valid at participating KRUSTYBURGER franchises in the greater Springfield metro area.
BACK COVER OF THE COMIC:
Half of the page is taken up by a maze puzzle. Mr Teeny sits looking annoyed outside the maze field with Krusty behind him and speaking to us. The maze ultimately leads to a smoldering cigar in the center.
TITLE: MR TEENY MAZE MADNESS!
KRUSTY: HOLY HAVANA!
KRUSTY: MR TEENY LOST HIS STOGIE! HELP HIM FIND IT BEFORE HE TRASHES MY DRESSING ROOM IN A NICOTINE FIT!
KRUSTY: (LINKED) AGAIN.
Bottom of the page is a panel with the logo:
TITLE: WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE???
Krusty is drunk and facing off cops (Wiggum, Ed and Lou) who are trying to pull him from a car. He swings a vodka bottle at them and hits Lou in the head.
KRUSTY: THERE’S 3 MISTAKES IN THIS CARTOON THAT GOT THE SHLUB THAT DREW IT HIS PINK SLIP!
KRUSTY: AND NO PEEKING AT THE ANSWERS BELOW!
ANSWERS CAPTION UPSIDE DOWN IN SMALLER LETTERS:
1) I wasn’t drunk. Those cops set me up. It was a bad night and a tough crowd and maybe I had a snort or two but I was fine to drive. 2) I only drink Polish vodka not that snooty French crap. 3) that’s not my car.
Banner across the bottom of the page
Krusty is waving at one side of the banner and smiling. Two word balloons link to him.
KRUSTY: IF YOU ENJOYED YOUR KRUSTYMEAL YOU’LL LOVE GOING TO---
KRUSTY: (BALLOON WITH A RUBBER STAMPED STORE LOGO)
SHOES FOR CHILDREN
“If the shoe fits, Ware it!”
Bart holds his comic in anger. Milhouse sits sipping his tiny drink and looking at the comic.
BART: WHAT A RIP! THIS COMIC WASN’T ABOUT KRUSTY!
BART: SOME DUMB MENU ITEMS SKATEBOARDING FOR EIGHT PAGES!
MILHOUSE: NO SPOILERS! I HAVEN’T FINISHED IT YET!
Bart hops down from his seat looking angry. Milhouse looks after him.
BART: AND SIDESHOW MEL WASN’T EVEN IN IT.
MILHOUSE: I HEARD HE WANTED CREATIVE CONTROL.
The pair walk away from the table leaving Bart’s comics among the wrappers and cups of their Krustymeals in the foreground. Fat fingers are reaching for the comic from the extreme foreground.
MILHOUSE: YOU’RE NOT TAKING YOUR COMIC WITH YOU?
BART: WHO WANTS IT?
OFF PANEL: (COMIC BOOK GUY) OH, YOU WILL, BART SIMPSON.
Comic Book Guy is holding one of the comics and dropping it into a plastic sleeve with backing board.
COMIC BOOK GUY: WHEN YOU’RE A TWENTY-SOMETHING AND NOSTALGIC YOU’LL PAY THROUGH THE NOSE FOR IT.
COMIC BOOK GUY: I TOLD YOU I ALWAYS WIN IN THE END.
CAPTION: AND IT’S REALLY THE END!